behind the glass – living with bipolar

began writing feb 2023. finished sept 2026.

I could have been 10 years old or so when one of my grandmother’s told me 

that I would be the one to get it

Like an infection or a terminal disease 

It haunted me 

I didn’t want to be like X. 

I was about 8 when her episodes first spun so far from herself 

she was unrecognizable. 

Hallucinations. 

Paranoia. 

Insomnia. 

Over, and under eating.

Speaking at a mile a minute. Or mute.

Spending like there’s no tomorrow. 

So when it hit me. 

I knew. 

— 

I had never been so terrified in my life.

But what really felt like a switch 

was a slow bubble floating to the surface. 

I don’t remember the order I began to troubleshoot 

But I know how hard I tried to fix me

I saw anyone I could while uninsured.

anti-depressant after anti-depressant 

journaling, hydrating, therapy, running

but the racing clock timed out 

and so deeper i sank 

now my front row childhood crash course 

was officially coming to hit me.

— 

The most painful part 

wasn’t how utterly sad i felt

or how dizzy my mind circled with thoughts.

It was without a doubt 

the state of “inception” i was hard launched into. 

From the 2010 film itself you may consider it like

being trapped in a dream inside of a dream

and although i am completely disoriented 

I am well aware that on the outside

my loved ones are no stranger to 

watching one of their own lose their mind. 

How guilty i feel 

for re-traumatizing us with these growing pains.

How do i convince them and even myself that i’m still me? 

I feel responsible. 

and it breaks my heart

that I’ve become a bystander 

to my own reflection. 

such disbelief.

— 

I hit a peak.

This time 72 hours of absolute zero sleep.

Being that restless made me lose the obsession over

fighting for a composed image.

And in return i was left surrendering to the harsh reality

that i no longer had a grip. 

— 

As aggressive as psychosis can feel

there is a sincere innocence in it.

The longing to be “normal” again

The yearning to escape the blurred lines

The chance to heal my inner child

and truthfully feel burden-less. 

— 

By the morning i voluntarily admitted myself into in-patient care.

while i was the most vulnerable i had ever been

I felt a great sense of relief letting go. 

Shortly while there X came to visit 

this time it was me behind the glass.

It pained us to relive this moment in the inverse. 

and in those moments 

I happened to feel extreme gratitude

and the sudden realization that 

She wasn’t my curse 

She was the blueprint. 

through all of the chaos 

I always had an example of someone who survived

time and time again

fight after fight

prayer after prayer.

I was and will never be alone. 

— 

We need and deserve stories like this.

Not about becoming your own hero 

but the power in simply being true together. 

It is unfair to live out these internal horrors in isolation.

There is truly no one else that can make us feel seen 

better than those who were trained to be hidden.

and if its worth anything

Know that with darkness indeed comes light 

How sometimes i still cannot truly stand the rain 

and that there is no shame in admitting that.

So if you’re reading this and feel me.. 

Then this one is for you xo

– mimi