written at 1:04 AM on January 15, 2019
trigger warning: sexual violence
I heard you wanted to hold me. Back when all the darkness of the universe swallowed me whole.
I do not blame you for not being there. You did not know.
To make you and Hooyo proud has been my only motive in life.
It made me feel like I failed you. To let someone break me so painfully down.
I tried to be and stay strong for you.
I know you saw me lost for so very long. Wandering, withering, a walking corspe.
What did the world do to transform her soul into being so terribly cold?
I was naive to believe you or any one couldn’t feel my evolution.
She will never be back. The little girl you knew. I tried so many times to find her.
I still cry to Allah and ask why I couldn’t be like so many others.
Believe that monsters aren’t real. Only strangers hunt you. Jump out of bushes. And make a kill.
What happens when you can no longer say the paranoia is all in your head.
When it was alive in your bed. Used your bones.. I cannot unsee or unfeel these deaths.
It comes with me everywhere, uninvited. Drags my legs under covers, stiffens my joints into bricks, and leaves my mind frozen in boiling air.
Nightmares on replay of how furious you’d be of me. My very own sisters turning their backs.
Why did I forget? All the times I came home wailing to you about my childhood bullies. Countless boys, teachers, and racists. You believed me and loved me even when I couldn’t find the strength to fight back. Or when my revolting sent me to the office.
Your story of resistance and persecution is what nearly cost you your own life. Your wounds still alive across your arms, triggered in crowded spaces, and deeply ingrained in your brain.
So there it was, back again. Only this time knocking on the grave that it built. Refusing to greet the very ghosts it created.
And there you are, right beside me. With palms like parachutes. Lifting me in the air. Filled with pride.
Finally, I SCREAM. It is now safe to be weak again. soft again. to be me.
I am grieving and celebrating at the same time.
For all the times I asked Allah what did I do to deserve this cruelty?
I can now ask: How is it that I get to have you as my father?
I do not blame you for not being there. You did not know.
You do now, and your love is the warmest blanket my body has ever known.
Thank you. Truly, with you, I feel like I can do anything.
I can feel it now, my freedom is actually coming.
-Mimi
mimi thy phoenix 